Twilight – A Vampire Tale

Okay, so there has been all this hype about Twilight, people asking if I’ve seen it, talking about how good it is, and so on. When my wife started mentioning wanting to watch it, I thought I’d have to check it out. So, we rented it.

If you would like to save the time of the rest of this review, I’ll sum in one word: T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E. It wasn’t until watching this movie that I realized how overdone the whiny, bitchy, love-struck male vampire is in media. It really started with Dracula, but then, he started it all really. But consider some of the latest vamps such as Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Mick St. John from Moonlight. Our society has taken the bite out of vampires! They are all becoming cry babies.

The worst by far though, is Edward Cullen from Twilight. Every scene he is on the verge of a crying fit. He sticks out his trembling lower lip, sulls up, and makes me want to stake him through the face! Not since Sesame Street have vampires been portrayed so ludicrously.

Really, the whole vampire in love with a woman thing is just about as silly as you or I falling in love with a chicken. You gaze longingly at the chicken, lay in the coop with it, stroking its feathers as it sleeps, trying to avoid temptation. Finally, when your will is weak, you lock lips to beak and pray you don’t slam that sucker into a deep frier and chow down KFC-style! Of course, you have to explain to the chicken the imminent danger. In fact, you tried to have a relationship with a cow some years back, and ole Bessy ended up steak, but that’s all in the past. This time, you won’t falter! At least not more than a nugget or two. I cannot help but think of movies like Rise or Blade, where you see what a horrendous mess vampire feeding can really be. For the sequel, let’s call Twilight what it really is, Romancing the Chicken.

At least characters like Angel got mad and broke things, and people, from time to time. He also had relapses into his bestial side, Angelus. Don’t forget when Spike “fell in love” with Buffy, it was still tainted by his vampire nature, and he even attempted to rape her. Vampires aren’t romantic figures, they are predators!

Back to Twilight. Even the “bad” vampires are not so bad. They have great lines like “you brought a snack” and “don’t play with your food”. Wow. Makes one want to shatter the kitchen chair, sharpen up one leg, and stake yourself right there in front of the TV.

Now, I can accept a PG-13 rated vampire movie, and I understand this film is for the romantic 13-year old teenie girls out there. That’s fine, but even at that, this movie is abysmal. The pacing is so S-L-O-W. Minute after minute of awkward silence, lip-trembling, and nothingness. Nothing. Nothing going on. The main characters just stare at each other, make a comment, and stare some more.

Let us not forget some of the riveting variations on the vampire legend. They seem to have venom instead of fangs, which is okay. Twilight isn’t the first to come up with this. My favorite though, is why they cannot go into sunlight. Sunlight makes them too sparkly! Yeah, they glitter like diamonds in the sunlight, so the MUST NOT BE SEEN. Slap on some blush and STFU.

This movie really made me cry tears of blood, mainly because I was clawing at my eyes. Do yourself a favor and pass on this one. If I prevent one poor soul from watching this film, I have been successful. The whiny boy-toy vampire who has lived for 200 years and still hasn’t grown a pair is old hat. Can we please, pretty please, come up with something new?

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